I am trying to teach myself that I will never be able to get everything I want all the time. I stare at myself in the mirror while I brush my hair and say “no” over and over again. I still don’t get it. Everything I’ve ever read has been about me. Everything you’ve ever written has been about me.
Things that used to make me smile don’t make me feel much anymore. I used to like eating lollipops on the train while making eye contact with strangers. I used to passionately say, “fuck that” when appalled but now I only mumble it under my breath. I used to like kissing people, as many people as possible, but now I only kiss my eyelids every night before I go to sleep. I used to listen to music and dance and not feel stupid about it but now my body feels disconnected from my mind. Before something within me shifted they used to work together, for whatever purpose, and do the job well. I used to indulge in every way I could but now I don’t think I deserve it. Now I don’t really think anyone deserves it. I don’t think anything deserves me.
I pray to god everyday that all my enemies fall in love with me so I can never love them back.